From the old to the young

My grandparents came into town last weekend and we got to talk about life and some of the things I've been curious about. It began with the customary "how is life?" and "where are you working" and other small chit-chat. This lead into the more dreaded yet deserved questions of "are you dating anyone" and "do you have any prospects" followed by the "at what point do you think you will settle down" and other such pointed questions. These kind of questions hurt my heart a little just thinking about them, but as I am 26 and should probably be getting to the point of growing up and slowing things down they are valid.

I had to explain that I am trying to date while still having fun and work hard. I've made significant steps in the last few years to, as I believe, make myself a better prospect as a husband and father. Still it doesn't feel like I am quite there but I am growing and learning every day.

My grandfather and I got a moment to talk alone and he explained to me that these weren't supposed to be harsh questions or accusations, they just wanted to see me happy. I then talked to him about life and some problems I've been having in the love department. Recently I've been labeled as a "player" among the women I go to church with, which puts a big damper on a dating life there. I had forgotten the age difference so at this point I had to explain what a player was to him. He asked me if it was true. I told him no since I haven't been on a date with anyone in the congregation in at least a year and the last person I did anything with was my girlfriend. He told me not to worry about what those women say, that I should find a women that will have me and then marry her. I think he simplifies it too much but you also have to look at the evidence. He and my grandma dated for 2 weeks before they were engaged and married within a few months. Now they've been married for over 50 years. I guess I'll just have to be on the lookout and try and follow the advice. But I have decided that there is no way that I'm doing the date and be engaged in 2 weeks thing.

Another thing I've been concerned about is that all I hear about marriage and what I know about relationships is that when it's good, it's great but when it's bad, it's really really bad. I voiced my concern and how I didn't want to put anyone else in that kind of a situation. He then asked me this one question and made it all make sense. He asked "If you could have one car in the world what kind would you want?" I replied, "Easy. A Lamborghini Murcielago." He then said, "Ok in order to make that car work and keep it's performance you have to do the maintenance right?" "Of course." This was the point that I realized this wasn't a, "what can i give you before I pass" question. He said, "A marriage is the same way. If you keep up on the maintenance, metaphorically rotate the tires and change the oil, it will be easier and smoother than if you just let it go. Yes you will have rough times when more is needed than a quick oil change but if you do the small things often then the big things aren't quite so big." This small analogy changed my whole outlook on things. Relationships are hard yes, but they can and will get easier and less painful. You just have to take those little steps every day.

All this being said I still don't think I'm ready to be married but I'm less afraid of the unknown. One day it will all work and I'll be able to look back and know when and why it all started.

So that's it for now. Just remember to keep your head on a swivel, split the defense and hit low and it'll all be ok.

Those 3 Little Words

It's amazing the effect a few choice words can have on people. At the beginning of time 4 small words began everything. "Let there be light" and humanity began. 2000 years ago and another phrase changed the way many people view the state of humanity. "This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased" and people's views changed. Almost 250 years ago and a group of men said we have had enough and a revolution happened creating a nation. 180 years ago and a boy said I have seen God, The Father and The Son and a religion was created. 60 years ago a man said that some people were better than others and that others should be mercilessly and systematically executed, and the worst war the world has ever seen was created. 47 years ago a great man stated simply "I have a dream" and the civil rights movement was born. 7 years ago another man said "Mission Accomplished" and a laughing stock was born. 2 years ago a man said "Yes We Can" and a legend was born and history was made.

Just words but they have the ability to change the world. To agitate and enthuse, to liberate and to imprison. They can make someone feel on top of the world or want to sink into the deepest abyss. Why is it that we are so enraptured by words that we allow them to pierce us to the core and change us.

I like everyone has had those moments where someone has said something and it has cut straight to my core and struck my emotions just the right way to illicit feelings I never thought they would be able to. Most of those times have come from from significant others and people that have a major impact on me and my life.

I've only had 4 significant girlfriends in my life and each of them said those three little words to me at one point in the relationship. Each and every one of the times I heard "I love you" I felt like I was on top of the world. I had finally done something worth doing and my actions and feelings were being reciprocated. I have never felt better in my life than I did at those moments.

Those same women that made me feel so good, later said things that made me feel lower than low. Bringing me to tears in some instances, never in front of them of course but tears none the less. Why is it that we allow others and their words to affect us so much? Is it just me or is humanity just built this way? One day I hope I understand the power that words have. Until that day I will just have to be aware of the power words have and treat them with the respect they deserve.

Until next time, keep on truckin' and stay focused on the end zone.

The end of one, The beginning of another

So it's almost the end of the year and I always look back and reflect so I thought I would do just that. I've met some great people and made some great friends while still losing others along the path. It's kind of a sad thing when friends part ways but it happens. I honestly can say I tried my best and left nothing out in the cold.

I've worked for an amazing company that I now have to decide if I will part ways with and make the switch to a new one or stay on and make do with what I have.

I've dated some amazing women and know better what I want out of a relationship. I dated a girl named Michelle this year and I must say she was one of the most beautiful, talented and loving women I have ever met. Things ended between us and she is now married and her husband is an extremely lucky man to have her by his side. I still think almost everyday about how much I wish I still had her in my life.

I've gone forward with schooling to the point of exhaustion. Pain beyond my wildest dreams as I contemplated formulas for calculus, chemistry and logic. Played as hard as I could in volleyball and studied my brain out during finals weeks.

I've had the worst confrontations with family that I've ever had, including being told that I they won't talk to me anymore, yet I feel closer to them than I have in a long time.

I've worked towards goals and have achieved many of them while still failing at others. I have soared as I with the champions of this world and helped others to do the same at times, yet at moments I have found myself crashing to the ground in a flaming mass of self destruction.

I have found out who my true friends are and who is willing to stand by me at all times and who is waiting to stab me in the back. One thing I've learned is no matter what you do sometimes the words people use against you are far stronger than the actions you use to probe the opposite.

I've learned a lot about people and what they want from me and what I want from them. I've had things happen that I never in my wildest dreams thought would ever be a possibility for me yet I have achieved them and more.

Over all this year has been full of ups and downs, ins and outs, bruises and cuts, championships and successes and I am proud of the way I have lived my life. As Ol' Blue Eyes himself once said "To think I did all that, And may I say not in a shy way, Oh no, oh no, not me, I did it my way."

As always hit hard, drive forward and keep your feet moving.

Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness

I’m stuck in a rut and don’t know what to do about it. I’ve tried a lot of different stuff to get out of it but the problem is I think it’s just me. I’m stuck doing the same things over and over and over again, to the point that my mind just goes numb. It’s like I’m beating my head against a wall expecting that one day I’ll break through and make it to the other side. And I’m hoping that on the other side of said wall will be some glorious garden where everything will be perfect and I’ll have very little problems or worries. The problem is that I know that on the other side of this wall is just another wasteland, one full of regret and disappointments that will only beat me down further. But at least I will be making progress right? At least I’m in front of a new wall facing new challenges and working hard to make it through these new trials.

I was told by my Bishop the other day that I shouldn’t worry about work or school or money or girls or anything like that. He quoted the hymn “Lead Kindly Light”. In the last 2 stanzas of the song it says “Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene; one step enough for me.” He then quoted a scripture from 3^rd Nephi 13: 31-34 “31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. 34Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof.” I’ve been trying really hard to live by these words but it’s hard to not think of what am I gonna do or where is the next meal coming from.

I don’t know how those people do it. I look up to them immensely. Maybe one day I’ll have the faith to follow in their footsteps and follow this the way it was meant to be followed for now all I can do is try.

The beginning of the end

So I decided that maybe I needed an outlet to talk about the things in my life with the semi-privacy of a blog. Life is rough and things happen yet we continue to march on until finally in the end we look back and say it is done. I've fought the fight and done what I could with what has been handed to me. I have fought my battle long enough and am now ready to lay down my proverbial sword and shield and surrender. Yet there are those who go out fighting. Kicking and screaming, fighting against the enemy that is death himself.

I wish to be one of the latter. Always moving never slowing even if death has my name and number. I will never surrender. This life has been too hard and I've given up too much of myself to just lay down. I hope to say at the end "I lived and loved with all the passion that any man can muster. I will never leave without that same passion."

That being said as of now my passion is being put into school. As boring as school can be at times I'm enjoying it. Although at times I am not nearly as productive as I could be I am pushing forward hoping to one day achieve my goal. Summer school was a choice I was sure I would regret but I am really enjoying the atmosphere and the speed at which the classes are moving. It is an adventure I hope continues onward and upward with many desirable results.

There's not a lot of time or energy to put into other things but I've made a few leaps into the unknown and I'm hoping that they are for the better. I signed up for a triathlon that will take place on the 31st of this month. I said I would do it as a hasty decision but I'm really enjoying the training and can't wait to be able to compete. I've always wanted to do this type of thing and now I'm finally realizing that goal. It's taken quite a bit to get myself out and training (especially the running part. I HATE running) but it's been worth every second I've put into it.

Part of the training is biking so I went out and sought a new bike for the event. I did lots of research and found a few road bikes I was definitely interested in looking at and testing out. So yesterday I set out. I looked at probably a dozen different bikes and models finally settling on a Felt z100. $900 later I was out the door on the most comfortable rides I've ever had. I think it's without saying I spent way too much on the bike but so far I love it and will put many hundreds of miles on it.

Other than that life is ok. The drama of looking for that certain someone is always there and sometimes complicated. I've had my heart broken one too many times it feels but I will bounce back and I will continue the search. I hope that all of the women I've had the pleasure of spending time with are happy, I really do. Each and every one of them have been extremely good to me and those around them and deserve to be happy. So I continue forward and wait for my turn in the spotlight and the chance to make all the dreams I've had come true.

Well I've wasted enough time talking about my life. As always hit hard, drive forward and always keep your feet moving